Last February I posted about being asked what my sexual fantasies were, and my issues expressing or understanding them (such as they were). At the time I was struggling with how small and vulnerable I felt being asked to tell my Daddy about my fantasies were, what thoughts came up upon seeing him, and what things got me off at home when we were apart. I was very shy and the shyness about these questions made me feel very Little indeed. I came to the conclusion that I don’t fantasise like others, and rather fixate on things from past experiences, and that fills my fantasy gap. I was content with answer at the time, it seemed.
We’re a few weeks past a year later, and here I am to think on it some more. I’ve actually been thinking on this quite a bit of the last few months, through my time laid up from surgery and illness (those really are some good times to just sit back and think about yourself and your goals and feelings, I find). Later in the same year Lee Harrington’s delightful journal on Sexual Fantasy was published and helped me further into insight of how to create these solid communicable ideas which I can open up to others, and where my fears lie, to accept those, and put them in the open as well. There are certainly worries and fears, moreso perhaps for those of us who do feel Little and as such want to blush, hide, runaway, brat, or lose our words.
Opening up to fantasies also opens us up not just in these vulnerable ways but also to the risky delicate dance of facilitation and negotiations for some things. As Lee says so nicely in his journal:
Things I often get shy saying, because of fear of rejection, or fear that they will be promised to me but not happen (that has happened a LARGE number of times in my life, and it sucks). I tend not to tell folks what I really am looking for, because if I get excited about the possibility, I feel let down if it does not happen. I worry that when I discuss my actual body realities, my health concerns, my safer sex rules, etc, that I may get turned down even after folks get all excited (which has happened many times to be honest). I have moved for the most part to instead speaking desires out loud, and if they happen, cool.This too, is not the best system. But its what I can do right now emotionally. Some days I go proactive.I have major challenges with the shopping-list approach to sexual and kink negotiation. Sign up here for a gangbang. Um… gr… just can’t wrap my head around it.
Which brings me to me, and some of my fantasies. Sexual fantasies sounds rather limiting to my mind, so I’m going to call them kinky fantasies. Anyhow, in no particular order:
- A boot and leather centric scene, blacking a series of leathers through predicament situations and sensation, but also being permitted time to truly just dedicate my entire body to blacking. (requires an existant partner)
- Sensory depravation. My mind wanders to heavy leather sleepsacks, or palatte wrap, or somesuch similar. A hood. A blindfold. Headphones with pre-programmed music in. Suspended in the air, and just let to feel, to think, to process, and to be. (This would be a deeply personal and carthartic scene, and requires someone willing to help with anything that would need addressing in the intermediate. Pre-planning to have a therapy appointment follow the day before is a must.)
- To be collared in a more serious collar than a play collar. A collar of daddy’s-girl-hood, protection, perhaps even property. (would depend on many factors for property, that’s a rather charged word to me)
- Fun and floppily dynamic partial suspensions. Lots of laughter. Lots of lightheartedness. Lots of hitty-hitty.
- Being bound, somewhere dark for a long time, enough to lose track of time. Occasionally to be used or beaten. (Would need to be someone who is ok with my flipping out/getting emotional)
- Being drugged and fucked/played with while unconscious.
- Heavy boot play, my body grinding into the ground beneath you under your soles, your bootprint on the side of my face, treadmarks on my cunt.
- Combined intense candle wax, rope, and spanking/flogging scene. (relies heavily on the D/s dynamic for this to not just be a very surface scene)
- Nazi interrogation/rape scene.
- Having my body pissed on, then my cunt pissed in and fucked full of piss. (obviously someone I’m fluid bonded with)
- A day of learning whatever lesson Daddy deems I need in order to be able to grow. (potential for fun, or for awful)
- Going to the movies, or a day at the Aquarium, or to the arcade, with some sort of naughty thing going on under my clothes. With a companion, not just alone. I’ve done this with rope before, so I’d like to add more next time.
- Electrical play. Let’s not forget the electro-bike saga. I really want to explore this more. I have ideas, and a scary-as-fuck gift to be given once I work up the nerve to do so.
- To play right on the edge of true fear. Again, like the deeply cathartic scene, this is risky business. I still really want to do it though.
Now, I still have my old style fantasies, where I think intensely hard on one aspect of something I like or have done. Things like the ingenius little leather cuff Daddy owns and which I wore on one of our formative dates. The first time he spanked me, where, when, how, how I felt… and the first time he beat me with his belt, where, when, how, how it felt, how it compares, what I have learned… I dream about mornings waking to Daddy rousing me from my cage for an early morning fuck before we both head off to work. I dream a lot how Daddy takes my breath away, and how happy it makes me feel.
So, I think about fantasies, but I’m shy and unusually awkward compared to how I seem. I am a little girl at heart, and I carry my Daddy’s watchful eye and protective heart with me wherever I go. I’m an autonomous individual, free to do as I please, but knowing I’ve got him in my corner looking out for me is giving me a bit more confidence. Not much though. I’ll likely continue to limit who I will play list rather strictly for the time being. Who knows, maybe that’ll change too!