Elspeth Demina

Just another sexy weblog

Adventures In… Fantasies, Kink, and Bucket Lists March 14, 2012

Last February I posted about being asked what my sexual fantasies were, and my issues expressing or understanding them (such as they were). At the time I was struggling with how small and vulnerable I felt being asked to tell my Daddy about my fantasies were, what thoughts came up upon seeing him, and what things got me off at home when we were apart. I was very shy and the shyness about these questions made me feel very Little indeed. I came to the conclusion that I don’t fantasise like others, and rather fixate on things from past experiences, and that fills my fantasy gap. I was content with answer at the time, it seemed.

We’re a few weeks past a year later, and here I am to think on it some more. I’ve actually been thinking on this quite a bit of the last few months, through my time laid up from surgery and illness (those really are some good times to just sit back and think about yourself and your goals and feelings, I find). Later in the same year Lee Harrington’s delightful journal on Sexual Fantasy was published and helped me further into insight of how to create these solid communicable ideas which I can open up to others, and where my fears lie, to accept those, and put them in the open as well. There are certainly worries and fears, moreso perhaps for those of us who do feel Little and as such want to blush, hide, runaway, brat, or lose our words.

Opening up to fantasies also opens us up not just in these vulnerable  ways but also to the risky delicate dance of facilitation and negotiations for some things. As Lee says so nicely in his journal:

Things I often get shy saying, because of fear of rejection, or fear that they will be promised to me but not happen (that has happened a LARGE number of times in my life, and it sucks).  I tend not to tell folks what I really am looking for, because if I get excited about the possibility, I feel let down if it does not happen.  I worry that when I discuss my actual body realities, my health concerns, my safer sex rules, etc, that I may get turned down even after folks get all excited (which has happened many times to be honest).  I have moved for the most part to instead speaking desires out loud, and if they happen, cool.This too, is not the best system.  But its what I can do right now emotionally.  Some days I go proactive.I have major challenges with the shopping-list approach to sexual and kink negotiation.  Sign up here for a gangbang.  Um… gr… just can’t wrap my head around it.

Which brings me to me, and some of my fantasies. Sexual fantasies sounds rather limiting to my mind, so I’m going to call them kinky fantasies. Anyhow, in no particular order:

  • A boot and leather centric scene, blacking a series of leathers through predicament situations and sensation, but also being permitted time to truly just dedicate my entire body to blacking. (requires an existant partner)
  • Sensory depravation. My mind wanders to heavy leather sleepsacks, or palatte wrap, or somesuch similar. A hood. A blindfold. Headphones with pre-programmed music in. Suspended in the air, and just let to feel, to think, to process, and to be. (This would be a deeply personal and carthartic scene, and requires someone willing to help with anything that would need addressing in the intermediate. Pre-planning to have a therapy appointment follow the day before is a must.)
  • To be collared in a more serious collar than a play collar. A collar of daddy’s-girl-hood, protection, perhaps even property. (would depend on many factors for property, that’s a rather charged word to me)
  • Fun and floppily dynamic partial suspensions. Lots of laughter. Lots of lightheartedness. Lots of hitty-hitty.
  • Being bound, somewhere dark for a long time, enough to lose track of time. Occasionally to be used or beaten. (Would need to be someone who is ok with my flipping out/getting emotional)
  • Being drugged and fucked/played with while unconscious.
  • Heavy boot play, my body grinding into the ground beneath you under your soles, your bootprint on the side of my face, treadmarks on my cunt.
  • Combined intense candle wax, rope, and spanking/flogging scene. (relies heavily on the D/s dynamic for this to not just be a very surface scene)
  • Nazi interrogation/rape scene.
  • Having my body pissed on, then my cunt pissed in and fucked full of piss. (obviously someone I’m fluid bonded with)
  • A day of learning whatever lesson Daddy deems I need in order to be able to grow. (potential for fun, or for awful)
  • Going to the movies, or a day at the Aquarium, or to the arcade, with some sort of naughty thing going on under my clothes. With a companion, not just alone. I’ve done this with rope before, so I’d like to add more next time.
  • Electrical play. Let’s not forget the electro-bike saga. I really want to explore this more. I have ideas, and a scary-as-fuck gift to be given once I work up the nerve to do so.
  • To play right on the edge of true fear. Again, like the deeply cathartic scene, this is risky business. I still really want to do it though.

Now, I still have my old style fantasies, where I think intensely hard on one aspect of something I like or have done. Things like the ingenius little leather cuff Daddy owns and which I wore on one of our formative dates. The first time he spanked me, where, when, how, how I felt… and the first time he beat me with his belt, where, when, how, how it felt, how it compares, what I have learned… I dream about mornings waking to Daddy rousing me from my cage for an early morning fuck before we both head off to work. I dream a lot how Daddy takes my breath away, and how happy it makes me feel.

So, I think about fantasies, but I’m shy and unusually awkward compared to how I seem. I am a little girl at heart, and I carry my Daddy’s watchful eye and protective heart with me wherever I go. I’m an autonomous individual, free to do as I please, but knowing I’ve got him in my corner looking out for me is giving me a bit more confidence. Not much though. I’ll likely continue to limit who I will play list rather strictly for the time being. Who knows, maybe that’ll change too!

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What do you mean, kinky? April 20, 2011

Filed under: kink,my life,thoughts — Lorax Of Sex @ 12:00 pm

Crista Anne of PinkSexGeek[dot]com recently posted her thoughts on being labeled as “kinky”. Reading her post I realized that I had never really put much thought into my own personal definition of what it is to be kinky, or who and what is kinky, and that perhaps I should do so.

The dictionary definition, according to Merriam-Webster is

2: relating to, having, or appealing to unconventional tastes especially in sex; also : sexually deviant

I’d say that this is somewhat in-line with my own personal definition of kinky. I do consider myself kinky- I enjoy and am aroused by things which are not conventionally considered sex or sexual. I go farther than the furry handcuffs and the little slap and tickle which is socially acceptable to portray in sitcoms on television. I have fantasies which I would some day like to enact that would have my therapist squirm. I like to watch. I like to be watched. I like to be scared and to transmute pain into pleasure. I enjoy many facets of BDSM. I’d say that I am most definitely kinky.

What Crista mentions in her post about others placing the mantle of kinky on her brings up a good point. When someone enjoys sex toys, is kink-aware and kink-accepting, does this make them kinky? By today’s standards I’d say no, but that may be because I spend my time with a lot of REALLY kinky people. I look at it much as I look at the progression of envelope-pushing in present day pornography. Go back ten-twenty years and someone who engaged in anal sex was considered kinky. Buttsecks was the envelope-push in mainstream porn. Now? It’s pretty much a given that it’ll be in most videos, even if they aren’t butt themed.

As our society progresses (well, in certain parts of the country at least) what is considered out of the ordinary and thus kinky changes. There was a time when talking openly about liking and using toys would fall under my definition of kinky, but today? It’s sex-positive, it’s sexy, and it’s awesomepants, but is it kinky? Notsomuch, at least in my book.

 

What If I Safeword? April 13, 2011

Filed under: kink,my life,thoughts — Lorax Of Sex @ 11:30 am

What happens if I use my safeword? This has always been at the back of my mind. I’m sure it’s something that many of us have thought about. What happens, really, if a safeword gets used in the middle of whatever activities we enjoy? We all know, or I should hope we know, the basics: stop the action, check in, and address the issue. What happens mentally and emotionally though, when safewords are called or the action is otherwise halted? What goes through our heads, the heads of the other person(s) involved? How do we address the aftercare in these instances?

I had a bit of a run-in with this not too long ago, and while I’m trying to not focus on it too much I do find myself still post-mortem-ing the events of that night. There are a lot of what-if’s but most of those are just that, what-if, and I’m trying not to harp on them. What I’m more interested in looking at is my own personal response to having been in a situation where the activities at hand needed to be stopped immediately, and which ended the fun for the night.

I find that I was equally shaken by the fact that I had to say no than by the reason I had to say no. What about it shook me? It was my first time doing anything which could be considered safewording, and that upset me. I like to be able to reach inside myself and move through and push myself, so this felt like a defeat. I don’t take well to being defeated. More than being defeated though, was that I didn’t ACTUALLY safeword.

Now, I don’t engage in kink activities where “no” is a word to be ignored unless explicitly agreed upon from the beginning. This worked out to be fortuitous for me in this case. That night when I found myself plunged deep into a flashback of an extremely traumatic experience from my past, I could think of nothing but “no”. No! No no no. Clawing my way away from the situation, and calling out that one word was all I knew in that moment. It wasn’t until what felt like hours before I was aware of my partner speaking to me, bringing me back to the world. It took a good three days before I registered what he had been saying. THAT was scary. Realizing three full days later that I’d not actually heard his words, just the sound of his voice and that he was trying to help.

I am blessed to have some wonderful friends in my life, and while I generally do not kiss and tell I turned to my part-time roommate for support and guidance. I felt sad. I felt broken. I felt disappointed in myself. I felt like I could have prevented the event somehow. I both wanted to talk and to hide. I recognize though, that I was in good hands both during and after, that I had love and support, and that I was safe.

I wonder, what do others do in these situations? I can only imagine what it must be like for a top to see their partner drop like that. What can I as a bottom do in the future to help my top after an incident like this? These are the things I now ponder…

 

One Kink to Rule Them All (and in the darkness bind them) February 27, 2011

Filed under: kink,my life,thoughts — Lorax Of Sex @ 12:00 pm

In the course of conversation with a dear friend today, I was asked “What is your preferred kink?”. Now, anyone who knows me well can predict my grinning and uppity answer “I have to make choices?”. We laughed, continued talking about other subjects in the conversation, and my smartass self was spared having to come up with what I read the question as seeking: my One True Kink.

The question kept popping back into my mind though throughout the day. What is my preferred kink? What IS my preferred kink? I’m not sure. Do I have one? I know there are things I do not like, but that’s not the same. As I rolled the question around in my head, a few questions of my own came up:

Are the things we naturally do, or are drawn to, without even realizing that they are “different”, our preferences? Or would a preference have to be something we consciously choose to engage in and take on?

Do our preferences hold across all lovers and partners, or are they more individual to the individual?

An interesting and thought-provoking question, which has me pondering now more the nature of a “preferred kink” than what specific kink or set of kinks might fall under that heading for me.

 

Everyone Else Has Had More Sex(-ual Fantasies) Than Me February 17, 2011

Filed under: my life,thoughts — Lorax Of Sex @ 9:24 pm

I’d like to take a moment and harken back to one of my favourite goofy internet videos from 2007.

Obviously, I titled this post off the video. When the idea for this post came into my head, the song popped in there with it so there you have it. A goofy title. Enough about that, let’s get to why you’re really reading this post and possibly this blog: my sexual fantasies.

My Daddy often asks me questions relating to my fantasies. First fantasy, fantasies from the past week, fantasies since we last saw each other, fantasies I’ve not shared with anyone before. I always feel awkward and childlike when faced with these questions. What ARE my fantasies? I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t fantasize the way others do.

This isn’t to say I don’t have a sense of imagination. I’m a creative type- an artist by hobby and trade. I just don’t seem to create the elaborate scenarios which others do which have come to be known as fantasies. I think of independent acts or items by themselves. I may focus on a sensation, or a feeling I wish to have. Primarily I re-live that which I’ve experienced already. I re-live the sensation of hot wax dripping onto my skin. I re-live the feeling of anxiety and disorientation from being blindfolded. What I don’t do is play a movie out in my head of how a scene may go, or even replay a scene I’ve done. I also don’t mentally live out that which I haven’t experienced. I’ll think about it, posit what it might be like, and reason it through, but live it out? Not happening.

So, everyone else has more sexual fantasies than me. I guess I’m ok with that. I’m still creating fodder for my mind to re-live, and that’s the important part right?

 

When Partners Want Something Different April 30, 2010

Filed under: kink,relationships,thoughts — Lorax Of Sex @ 12:26 pm

Practically every kink-blogger has attacked this topic. What to do when one partner is kinky, and the other isn’t. What to do when your kink doesn’t match up. What to do when one person wants it more than the other. The topic has kind of been done to death, you’d think. That said – here I am, writing about when partners want something different. I’m not going to pretend that I know the answer to this dilemma. There are answers and recommendations galore available online, in books, in podcasts, you name it. What I am going to do is tell my story, a story in the process of being written.

It’s probably more common to have some degree of discrepancy between partners than people realize. Somehow we end up with idea that we will meet perfect matches, but that hasn’t been my experience. One lover will want more, one less, another something you’d never even thought of, and still a fourth will want something you’d rather not think of. We talk, we negotiate, we play, and sometimes we decide we’re better off as friends than partners. Such is life. This can be less of an issue when it comes to exclusive to play partners, but when this occurs within a romantic partnership it can be a much stickier situation.

So it is that I am again in a somewhat mis-matched partnership. My partner and I have known each other for a long time, we’ve supported each other as friends and confidants over the years and what was at one time a gentle crush and fantasy has become a rather delightful romance. We have very similar desires in life and similar recreational activities. We are also particularly well matched in sexual desire, and have a very healthy sex life. So, where’s the problem? This is titled “When Partners Want Something Different”, but so far everything is happy little bunnies and sunshine!

I’m kinky, and my partner is not. What’s more, my partner identifies as a bottom in regard to sexuality and kink-terms. I am also a bottom. Some things which have found their way into the realm of the Vanilla world (think biting, raking of fingernails, and whatnot) certainly work their way into our erotic episodes, but that’s where the comfort level lies. Small amounts of service-type activities also feature in our life, though to the outward observer these are simply everyday tasks akin to cooking dinner and doing the laundry.

So I’m a kinky bottom, and my partner is a Vanilla bottom. What does this mean? Well, there are some things which I would enjoy having as part of my life which I’m currently not partaking in. I feel the need here to pause and state for the record that I am not complaining. I am quite content and do not feel like I am being denied something. This is not some passive-agressive way of telling the world that I’m unhappy because my partner does not top me. Ok, disclaimer over. My partner and I have begun discussing this, and we’ve even attended a workshop together (and will likely attend more, as time allows). I’ve been attending workshops on my own, to learn how to better present what I would like to my partner. I am lucky that while my partner is not kinky, there is willingness to explore and learn and see if this is something which sparks.

Certainly I would enjoy being topped by my partner. While kink is not inherently sex-related to me, sex as an aspect or a reward or as aftercare is a nice perk. For now, we talk. We learn. We will talk more. I’m doing a lot of thinking about what I desire, what kink means to me, and what role it plays in my life. It’s an interesting place to be in, really, and I see a lot of good coming out of this by way of personal understanding. Expect more on the subject in the future.

 

The difference between polyamory and dating March 5, 2010

Filed under: mono/poly,relationships,thoughts — Lorax Of Sex @ 11:17 am

The lovely Midori posed the question of the difference between polyamory and dating recently, and it seemed as good a way as any to kick-off my blog. I found interesting that the question came up, but quickly realized that there are many who don’t understand the difference between polyamory and dating. Since she was so gracious as to provide a few speaking points to answer her question I’m going to go ahead follow her lead.

  • Your definition of each
  • For me, polyamory is maintaining multiple partnerships concurrently. While these might not be serious long-term partnerships, they are more than a fling. These are relationships involving both a physical and emotional bond to at least the degree that one would traditionally consider using the terms of boyfriend/girlfriend to describe each other.

    Dating, on the other hand, is a very casual state. This is the stage of getting a sense of another person, and determining if you wish to pursue a more committed relationship (committed meaning adherence to whatever ground rules the individuals involved decide to set, not meaning specifically monogamy).

  • Compare & Contrast
  • I think the biggest contrast between polyamory and dating, for me, is the level of commitment involved. Dating is the window-shopping of the relationship world, whereas polyamory is having found the perfect outfit for different occasions.

  • Pros & Cons of each
  • One of the biggest pros I see to polyamory is for those in situations where there is a difference in desires, particularly in the sex life. I also recognize that some people just feel uncomfortable being monogamous. The con is that there are also those who do not function well in a polyamorous situation. Polyamory takes a considerable amount of mental and emotional energy, which is something that not all are capable of confronting.

  • Does it ever morph from one to another? Does it ever morph back?
  • I think that dating morphs into any form of committed relationship, be it polyamory or monogamy. Like I said in defining dating, it’s the stage between meeting someone and deciding to have a relationship with the individual. I don’t personally think the casualness of dating can return, as after having a committed relationship of any sort the sort of bond and understanding which develops would not allow for such.

  • Are there perceived social status or greater cool-factor to be in one or the other?
  • I do feel that right now it is considered “cool” to say that you are polyamorous, much like in the not too distant past when it was “cool” for young ladies to say that they were, and to play at being, bisexual when there was no real attraction involved.

  • Peer pressure for one or the other?
  • I feel like dating is a social norm at this point, so the pressure to date is such a part of our society that it’s hard to pinpoint them. Much like any social fad, there is pressure to say that you are poly, or to try and have polyamorous relationships. I personally have felt the pressure to have a polyamorous relationship in the past, and in the end it created a lot of resentment and distrust.

  • Role models for either?
  • I am lucky to have a number of friends in happy, functional, long-term polyamorous relationships. I also live in Seattle, which has a wonderful sex-positive scene and community which is full of good role models for poly living, including Twisted Monk and Mistress Matisse, who are kind enough to have a wonderful podcast which often addresses poly issues and poly life. Role models for dating are a bit harder. I feel like there are a lot of negative role models for dating, but few good ones. Popular television is full of sitcoms which turn dating into a horrible farce, and unfortunately this is often the most we get as far as an education in dating. I remember as a young pre-teen reading a book, I believe the title was Girl-Talk or somesuch, which was one of those dating/sex-ed books. I don’t know if it helped me much with dating, but at least I learned a good bit about my period and about contraception!

  • Your personal source of information about how to have poly relationships or how to date
  • I answered a lot of this in the last question, about role models, but I have also been in the situation where I felt pressured into having a polyamorous relationship, and suffice to say that it didn’t end well at all. I think I’m still processing the feelings from that experience. That’s not to say that I am not open minded about the possibility of such with the right partners in the future, but I do naturally seem to trend towards monogamy, and for the time being I’m OK with that.

  • Myth around poly, myth around dating
  • Oof, myths around polyamory abound. They run the gambit from fear of commitment, that it’s how we’re meant to be (I’ve heard this to support both polyamory and monogamy), and all manner of other blanket statements about what poly is or isn’t. Again, with dating being such a part of our society, it’s hard to pinpoint myths about dating.