Elspeth Demina

Just another sexy weblog

Adventures In… Fantasies, Kink, and Bucket Lists March 14, 2012

Last February I posted about being asked what my sexual fantasies were, and my issues expressing or understanding them (such as they were). At the time I was struggling with how small and vulnerable I felt being asked to tell my Daddy about my fantasies were, what thoughts came up upon seeing him, and what things got me off at home when we were apart. I was very shy and the shyness about these questions made me feel very Little indeed. I came to the conclusion that I don’t fantasise like others, and rather fixate on things from past experiences, and that fills my fantasy gap. I was content with answer at the time, it seemed.

We’re a few weeks past a year later, and here I am to think on it some more. I’ve actually been thinking on this quite a bit of the last few months, through my time laid up from surgery and illness (those really are some good times to just sit back and think about yourself and your goals and feelings, I find). Later in the same year Lee Harrington’s delightful journal on Sexual Fantasy was published and helped me further into insight of how to create these solid communicable ideas which I can open up to others, and where my fears lie, to accept those, and put them in the open as well. There are certainly worries and fears, moreso perhaps for those of us who do feel Little and as such want to blush, hide, runaway, brat, or lose our words.

Opening up to fantasies also opens us up not just in these vulnerable  ways but also to the risky delicate dance of facilitation and negotiations for some things. As Lee says so nicely in his journal:

Things I often get shy saying, because of fear of rejection, or fear that they will be promised to me but not happen (that has happened a LARGE number of times in my life, and it sucks).  I tend not to tell folks what I really am looking for, because if I get excited about the possibility, I feel let down if it does not happen.  I worry that when I discuss my actual body realities, my health concerns, my safer sex rules, etc, that I may get turned down even after folks get all excited (which has happened many times to be honest).  I have moved for the most part to instead speaking desires out loud, and if they happen, cool.This too, is not the best system.  But its what I can do right now emotionally.  Some days I go proactive.I have major challenges with the shopping-list approach to sexual and kink negotiation.  Sign up here for a gangbang.  Um… gr… just can’t wrap my head around it.

Which brings me to me, and some of my fantasies. Sexual fantasies sounds rather limiting to my mind, so I’m going to call them kinky fantasies. Anyhow, in no particular order:

  • A boot and leather centric scene, blacking a series of leathers through predicament situations and sensation, but also being permitted time to truly just dedicate my entire body to blacking. (requires an existant partner)
  • Sensory depravation. My mind wanders to heavy leather sleepsacks, or palatte wrap, or somesuch similar. A hood. A blindfold. Headphones with pre-programmed music in. Suspended in the air, and just let to feel, to think, to process, and to be. (This would be a deeply personal and carthartic scene, and requires someone willing to help with anything that would need addressing in the intermediate. Pre-planning to have a therapy appointment follow the day before is a must.)
  • To be collared in a more serious collar than a play collar. A collar of daddy’s-girl-hood, protection, perhaps even property. (would depend on many factors for property, that’s a rather charged word to me)
  • Fun and floppily dynamic partial suspensions. Lots of laughter. Lots of lightheartedness. Lots of hitty-hitty.
  • Being bound, somewhere dark for a long time, enough to lose track of time. Occasionally to be used or beaten. (Would need to be someone who is ok with my flipping out/getting emotional)
  • Being drugged and fucked/played with while unconscious.
  • Heavy boot play, my body grinding into the ground beneath you under your soles, your bootprint on the side of my face, treadmarks on my cunt.
  • Combined intense candle wax, rope, and spanking/flogging scene. (relies heavily on the D/s dynamic for this to not just be a very surface scene)
  • Nazi interrogation/rape scene.
  • Having my body pissed on, then my cunt pissed in and fucked full of piss. (obviously someone I’m fluid bonded with)
  • A day of learning whatever lesson Daddy deems I need in order to be able to grow. (potential for fun, or for awful)
  • Going to the movies, or a day at the Aquarium, or to the arcade, with some sort of naughty thing going on under my clothes. With a companion, not just alone. I’ve done this with rope before, so I’d like to add more next time.
  • Electrical play. Let’s not forget the electro-bike saga. I really want to explore this more. I have ideas, and a scary-as-fuck gift to be given once I work up the nerve to do so.
  • To play right on the edge of true fear. Again, like the deeply cathartic scene, this is risky business. I still really want to do it though.

Now, I still have my old style fantasies, where I think intensely hard on one aspect of something I like or have done. Things like the ingenius little leather cuff Daddy owns and which I wore on one of our formative dates. The first time he spanked me, where, when, how, how I felt… and the first time he beat me with his belt, where, when, how, how it felt, how it compares, what I have learned… I dream about mornings waking to Daddy rousing me from my cage for an early morning fuck before we both head off to work. I dream a lot how Daddy takes my breath away, and how happy it makes me feel.

So, I think about fantasies, but I’m shy and unusually awkward compared to how I seem. I am a little girl at heart, and I carry my Daddy’s watchful eye and protective heart with me wherever I go. I’m an autonomous individual, free to do as I please, but knowing I’ve got him in my corner looking out for me is giving me a bit more confidence. Not much though. I’ll likely continue to limit who I will play list rather strictly for the time being. Who knows, maybe that’ll change too!

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After Your Kink Betrays You (Or, When Someone Has Taken Advantage Of You) January 23, 2011

Filed under: kink,my life,relationships — Lorax Of Sex @ 10:49 pm

I’m a bottom. I’d say I fall pretty deeply into the submissive and service-bottom categories within that, at the very least I’m compliant to my top (within reason). What this means though, is that I can be very vulnerable in some ways. This vulnerability is a very powerful and dangerous thing when held in the wrong hands. I know this first hand, and am now doing the biggest self-aftercare I’ve ever encountered in my life.

I am a care-taker by nature. I go out of my way, enduring physical and financial hardship, without second thought if it will make the life of someone I care about easier, happier, or more enjoyable. It was this care-taking nature which was abused severely. It was a creeping change, ever so slow over the years, but it eventually ate up my savings and my credit-line, as well as my well-being.

I don’t remember when it happened exactly, but I learned at one point to turn off the kinky part of myself, and locked it away in a box along with the cuffs and collars. When the kink activities started being less motivated by mutual enjoyment, and moved into a realm of degradation which was not discussed or desired, I started to notice. When the physicality of the hurting became increasingly oblivious of the safe sweet spots, I started to think. When the words and deeds changed from that which we both enjoyed to something that was driven by anger, I noticed. When encounters became brief distractions which treated me as an object devoid of feelings, I drew the line. I don’t play that way, especially not without negotiation.

My vulnerability and desire to please was preyed upon. My desire to make everything better, regardless of whether I was right or wrong, whether I should be paying for this or not, was well known and used against me on a regular basis. I’m still now realizing more and more behaviors and actions which had become the norm which I now clearly see as being manipulative of these parts of me.

So now I have had a wonderful (albeit sadly short-lived) purely vanilla relationship since then. I am slowly easing myself back into who I am, who I was, and who I am willing to let myself be. I am revisiting my kink self, and finding out where I stand. I am wary in doing so, picky about who I allow near me, and pickier still with who I allow to access these parts of my mind and self.

I’m still processing it all, and trying to find what warning signs to look for to keep from falling prey again. Trying not to let it overshadow my experiences going forward negatively, though at times that proves to be rather difficult. So for now I’m taking special care to revisit my social interactions after they happen, noting my behavior and that of those I interact with. I pay special attention to my reactions after any type of kinky action I may get, and make sure to communicate well with my cohorts. I’ve found good friends invaluable through this whole endeavor as well, as sometimes there are actions and trends which I don’t notice within myself which they see.

While at times I want to just cut loose, say “Yes Sir!” and go headlong into the sea of new experiences, I know that slow and steady is the best thing for me right now. I have a tendency to fear being disappointing as a bottom, but I’m trying to put that aside as best I can for now, in favor of being mindful that I am still more fragile emotionally than I may seem to myself or my cohorts. So far, this seems to be serving me well. I’m not sure how my tactics will change as things go forward as this is all a learning experience, but I seem to be figuring it out.

 

When Partners Want Something Different April 30, 2010

Filed under: kink,relationships,thoughts — Lorax Of Sex @ 12:26 pm

Practically every kink-blogger has attacked this topic. What to do when one partner is kinky, and the other isn’t. What to do when your kink doesn’t match up. What to do when one person wants it more than the other. The topic has kind of been done to death, you’d think. That said – here I am, writing about when partners want something different. I’m not going to pretend that I know the answer to this dilemma. There are answers and recommendations galore available online, in books, in podcasts, you name it. What I am going to do is tell my story, a story in the process of being written.

It’s probably more common to have some degree of discrepancy between partners than people realize. Somehow we end up with idea that we will meet perfect matches, but that hasn’t been my experience. One lover will want more, one less, another something you’d never even thought of, and still a fourth will want something you’d rather not think of. We talk, we negotiate, we play, and sometimes we decide we’re better off as friends than partners. Such is life. This can be less of an issue when it comes to exclusive to play partners, but when this occurs within a romantic partnership it can be a much stickier situation.

So it is that I am again in a somewhat mis-matched partnership. My partner and I have known each other for a long time, we’ve supported each other as friends and confidants over the years and what was at one time a gentle crush and fantasy has become a rather delightful romance. We have very similar desires in life and similar recreational activities. We are also particularly well matched in sexual desire, and have a very healthy sex life. So, where’s the problem? This is titled “When Partners Want Something Different”, but so far everything is happy little bunnies and sunshine!

I’m kinky, and my partner is not. What’s more, my partner identifies as a bottom in regard to sexuality and kink-terms. I am also a bottom. Some things which have found their way into the realm of the Vanilla world (think biting, raking of fingernails, and whatnot) certainly work their way into our erotic episodes, but that’s where the comfort level lies. Small amounts of service-type activities also feature in our life, though to the outward observer these are simply everyday tasks akin to cooking dinner and doing the laundry.

So I’m a kinky bottom, and my partner is a Vanilla bottom. What does this mean? Well, there are some things which I would enjoy having as part of my life which I’m currently not partaking in. I feel the need here to pause and state for the record that I am not complaining. I am quite content and do not feel like I am being denied something. This is not some passive-agressive way of telling the world that I’m unhappy because my partner does not top me. Ok, disclaimer over. My partner and I have begun discussing this, and we’ve even attended a workshop together (and will likely attend more, as time allows). I’ve been attending workshops on my own, to learn how to better present what I would like to my partner. I am lucky that while my partner is not kinky, there is willingness to explore and learn and see if this is something which sparks.

Certainly I would enjoy being topped by my partner. While kink is not inherently sex-related to me, sex as an aspect or a reward or as aftercare is a nice perk. For now, we talk. We learn. We will talk more. I’m doing a lot of thinking about what I desire, what kink means to me, and what role it plays in my life. It’s an interesting place to be in, really, and I see a lot of good coming out of this by way of personal understanding. Expect more on the subject in the future.

 

The difference between polyamory and dating March 5, 2010

Filed under: mono/poly,relationships,thoughts — Lorax Of Sex @ 11:17 am

The lovely Midori posed the question of the difference between polyamory and dating recently, and it seemed as good a way as any to kick-off my blog. I found interesting that the question came up, but quickly realized that there are many who don’t understand the difference between polyamory and dating. Since she was so gracious as to provide a few speaking points to answer her question I’m going to go ahead follow her lead.

  • Your definition of each
  • For me, polyamory is maintaining multiple partnerships concurrently. While these might not be serious long-term partnerships, they are more than a fling. These are relationships involving both a physical and emotional bond to at least the degree that one would traditionally consider using the terms of boyfriend/girlfriend to describe each other.

    Dating, on the other hand, is a very casual state. This is the stage of getting a sense of another person, and determining if you wish to pursue a more committed relationship (committed meaning adherence to whatever ground rules the individuals involved decide to set, not meaning specifically monogamy).

  • Compare & Contrast
  • I think the biggest contrast between polyamory and dating, for me, is the level of commitment involved. Dating is the window-shopping of the relationship world, whereas polyamory is having found the perfect outfit for different occasions.

  • Pros & Cons of each
  • One of the biggest pros I see to polyamory is for those in situations where there is a difference in desires, particularly in the sex life. I also recognize that some people just feel uncomfortable being monogamous. The con is that there are also those who do not function well in a polyamorous situation. Polyamory takes a considerable amount of mental and emotional energy, which is something that not all are capable of confronting.

  • Does it ever morph from one to another? Does it ever morph back?
  • I think that dating morphs into any form of committed relationship, be it polyamory or monogamy. Like I said in defining dating, it’s the stage between meeting someone and deciding to have a relationship with the individual. I don’t personally think the casualness of dating can return, as after having a committed relationship of any sort the sort of bond and understanding which develops would not allow for such.

  • Are there perceived social status or greater cool-factor to be in one or the other?
  • I do feel that right now it is considered “cool” to say that you are polyamorous, much like in the not too distant past when it was “cool” for young ladies to say that they were, and to play at being, bisexual when there was no real attraction involved.

  • Peer pressure for one or the other?
  • I feel like dating is a social norm at this point, so the pressure to date is such a part of our society that it’s hard to pinpoint them. Much like any social fad, there is pressure to say that you are poly, or to try and have polyamorous relationships. I personally have felt the pressure to have a polyamorous relationship in the past, and in the end it created a lot of resentment and distrust.

  • Role models for either?
  • I am lucky to have a number of friends in happy, functional, long-term polyamorous relationships. I also live in Seattle, which has a wonderful sex-positive scene and community which is full of good role models for poly living, including Twisted Monk and Mistress Matisse, who are kind enough to have a wonderful podcast which often addresses poly issues and poly life. Role models for dating are a bit harder. I feel like there are a lot of negative role models for dating, but few good ones. Popular television is full of sitcoms which turn dating into a horrible farce, and unfortunately this is often the most we get as far as an education in dating. I remember as a young pre-teen reading a book, I believe the title was Girl-Talk or somesuch, which was one of those dating/sex-ed books. I don’t know if it helped me much with dating, but at least I learned a good bit about my period and about contraception!

  • Your personal source of information about how to have poly relationships or how to date
  • I answered a lot of this in the last question, about role models, but I have also been in the situation where I felt pressured into having a polyamorous relationship, and suffice to say that it didn’t end well at all. I think I’m still processing the feelings from that experience. That’s not to say that I am not open minded about the possibility of such with the right partners in the future, but I do naturally seem to trend towards monogamy, and for the time being I’m OK with that.

  • Myth around poly, myth around dating
  • Oof, myths around polyamory abound. They run the gambit from fear of commitment, that it’s how we’re meant to be (I’ve heard this to support both polyamory and monogamy), and all manner of other blanket statements about what poly is or isn’t. Again, with dating being such a part of our society, it’s hard to pinpoint myths about dating.