Elspeth Demina

Just another sexy weblog

In The Name Of Science: Rabbit Pearl July 30, 2012

Filed under: In the name of science,reviews,toys,vibratex — Lorax Of Sex @ 10:22 am

So, this happened. All I could think of afterwards was “oh gd, my vajayjay hurts”. In fact, I even said that to a friend of mine on chat shortly thereafter. “I feel like I should use the term vajayjay in the review of this damn thing”, I said, “because that seems like the stupid pop-culture Sex-in-the-City thing to do”. I feel like that’s probably the only reason that so-called “rabbit” style sextoys even took off in the way they did. Heck, the packaging on the Rabbit Pearl even touts it with a big “as seen on Sex in the City” on the label. My friend queried if it wasn’t because they are a dildo that stimulates the clit as well. Yep, that’s what I’d thought too. Boy were we both wrong.

The angle at which the bunny is situated from the shaft is ALL WRONG so it doesn’t really stimulate the clit, and even if it kinda did, those vibrations are so surface and buzzy that they’re useless. As it stands the ears of the bunny flutter until they make contact with my labia, and then THEY STOP. My labia are too much interference apparently. Now, I’ve gained some weight lately so I’ve got slightly fleshier labia than I’ve had in earlier years of my life, but even so I don’t have terribly formidable outer lips. I tried to get the nose of the bunny against my clit but there was no way that was going to happen, especially not while that damn thing was gyrating away inside me. Which brings me rather conveniently to my next issue…

Dicks don’t rotate. Why does this rotate? I feel like I’m being scooped out like a jack-o-lantern. If I stuff this thing into my vajayjay when I’m not warmed up I can feel the head of it doing circles around my cervix as my body tries in vain to shrink away from this atrocity. Even when warmed up, I can feel each gyration scraping me out, whacking against my pelvic bones. It’s true that my pubic bone is slightly differently shaped than most, because I shattered it as a small child. I’ve never had a lover notice though, until after I told them and pointed it out, so it’s not like my pelvic bones are freakishly misshapen.

Just no. The whole thing. No. Not to mention that the classics are made out of sub-par materials, namely jelly or PVC- both of which contain pthalates. I award Vibratex one point for disclosing that their PVC has pthalates, but revoke five for their PVC having pthalates. This particular model that I have is made of elastomer, which is on the low end of my acceptability scale. Y’know what? One point for re-releasing their classic rabbits in pthalate-free materials. Lose half a point for elastomer instead of silicone. If you’re going to re-release a toy in the name of making it out of a safer material, why not go all the way and go with silicone? It’s hard to get more body-safe than silicone.

Also: C cell batteries. WTF. When was the last time you used a C cell battery? My flashlights are all AA or D. My headlamp might be AAAs, I haven’t swapped batteries out in that in a while. I don’t think I’ve used a C cell since I had a tape recorder. That would be the 80’s, kids, for those of you who don’t remember tape recorders. As if taking C cells isn’t insult enough, it doesn’t just take C cells but it takes THREE of them. Do you know what size packs C cells come in? TWO or FOUR. Yup. Thanks guys. Thanks so much for that.

So, key points here:

  1. Vibrations that are completely useless
  2. Scraping gyrations
  3. Materials should not be toxic
  4. WTF C cells
  5. Why does it have a face? And a necklace? WAT?

So now I have put this thing in me. It made me call my cunt my vajayjay. I found no redeeming qualities to it. If it wasn’t made of a porous material I’d use it to stir my tea, but I can’t because I’m not wasting condoms on that (plus ew, condom tea). I’m not even sure what the heck I’ll do with this. There has to be something fun to do with an absolutely useless rabbit vibe. Ideas? Oh and if for some reason you still really want to buy one of these? Please, make sure you’re getting the elastomer version. Don’t put pthalates up your vajayjay, m’kay?