Elspeth Demina

Just another sexy weblog

After Your Kink Betrays You (Or, When Someone Has Taken Advantage Of You) January 23, 2011

Filed under: kink,my life,relationships — Lorax Of Sex @ 10:49 pm

I’m a bottom. I’d say I fall pretty deeply into the submissive and service-bottom categories within that, at the very least I’m compliant to my top (within reason). What this means though, is that I can be very vulnerable in some ways. This vulnerability is a very powerful and dangerous thing when held in the wrong hands. I know this first hand, and am now doing the biggest self-aftercare I’ve ever encountered in my life.

I am a care-taker by nature. I go out of my way, enduring physical and financial hardship, without second thought if it will make the life of someone I care about easier, happier, or more enjoyable. It was this care-taking nature which was abused severely. It was a creeping change, ever so slow over the years, but it eventually ate up my savings and my credit-line, as well as my well-being.

I don’t remember when it happened exactly, but I learned at one point to turn off the kinky part of myself, and locked it away in a box along with the cuffs and collars. When the kink activities started being less motivated by mutual enjoyment, and moved into a realm of degradation which was not discussed or desired, I started to notice. When the physicality of the hurting became increasingly oblivious of the safe sweet spots, I started to think. When the words and deeds changed from that which we both enjoyed to something that was driven by anger, I noticed. When encounters became brief distractions which treated me as an object devoid of feelings, I drew the line. I don’t play that way, especially not without negotiation.

My vulnerability and desire to please was preyed upon. My desire to make everything better, regardless of whether I was right or wrong, whether I should be paying for this or not, was well known and used against me on a regular basis. I’m still now realizing more and more behaviors and actions which had become the norm which I now clearly see as being manipulative of these parts of me.

So now I have had a wonderful (albeit sadly short-lived) purely vanilla relationship since then. I am slowly easing myself back into who I am, who I was, and who I am willing to let myself be. I am revisiting my kink self, and finding out where I stand. I am wary in doing so, picky about who I allow near me, and pickier still with who I allow to access these parts of my mind and self.

I’m still processing it all, and trying to find what warning signs to look for to keep from falling prey again. Trying not to let it overshadow my experiences going forward negatively, though at times that proves to be rather difficult. So for now I’m taking special care to revisit my social interactions after they happen, noting my behavior and that of those I interact with. I pay special attention to my reactions after any type of kinky action I may get, and make sure to communicate well with my cohorts. I’ve found good friends invaluable through this whole endeavor as well, as sometimes there are actions and trends which I don’t notice within myself which they see.

While at times I want to just cut loose, say “Yes Sir!” and go headlong into the sea of new experiences, I know that slow and steady is the best thing for me right now. I have a tendency to fear being disappointing as a bottom, but I’m trying to put that aside as best I can for now, in favor of being mindful that I am still more fragile emotionally than I may seem to myself or my cohorts. So far, this seems to be serving me well. I’m not sure how my tactics will change as things go forward as this is all a learning experience, but I seem to be figuring it out.

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5 Responses to “After Your Kink Betrays You (Or, When Someone Has Taken Advantage Of You)”

  1. The nightfox Says:

    Hi, I’m fairly new to this but I stumbled on your blog and I figured I would give it a look and I was pleasantly surprised. You are extremely eloquent and do more than “merely” put words together to fill up space. I thoroughly enjoyed what you had to say and I’m actually looking forward to reading what else is on your mind.

  2. Velveteen Says:

    This is very insightful, and I’m so glad that you’re doing this processing and self care. hugs and hugs I also want certain friends to see this and know that it happens.

    • Elspeth Says:

      Thank you my dear. It’s not been the most fun thing in the world, but it’s a learning experience which I value. In a way, I’m getting a second lease on my life. Feel free to share this with those whom you think it would help. That’s a big part of why I wrote this, and spend so much time trying to make it come out right.

  3. Graydancer Says:

    Thank you for sharing this. I just want to add my support in your decision to “take it slow.” I also believe that it’s too important a thing to take lightly or rush into, trusting that when the time is right, it will be worth the wait. If you ever read Mollena’s blog (http://www.mollena.com) you’ll see some evidence of that.

    Good to read you,

    Gray

    • Elspeth Says:

      Thank you for reading, and for the support. My apologies that WP seemed to think you were spam (bad WP, no pie!) and that it took me this long to remedy this situation.

      It may be cliche to say, but “know thyself” is so very important with these things, and I’m trying to keep that to the forefront as much as I can.


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