Elspeth Demina

Just another sexy weblog

When Partners Want Something Different April 30, 2010

Filed under: kink,relationships,thoughts — Lorax Of Sex @ 12:26 pm

Practically every kink-blogger has attacked this topic. What to do when one partner is kinky, and the other isn’t. What to do when your kink doesn’t match up. What to do when one person wants it more than the other. The topic has kind of been done to death, you’d think. That said – here I am, writing about when partners want something different. I’m not going to pretend that I know the answer to this dilemma. There are answers and recommendations galore available online, in books, in podcasts, you name it. What I am going to do is tell my story, a story in the process of being written.

It’s probably more common to have some degree of discrepancy between partners than people realize. Somehow we end up with idea that we will meet perfect matches, but that hasn’t been my experience. One lover will want more, one less, another something you’d never even thought of, and still a fourth will want something you’d rather not think of. We talk, we negotiate, we play, and sometimes we decide we’re better off as friends than partners. Such is life. This can be less of an issue when it comes to exclusive to play partners, but when this occurs within a romantic partnership it can be a much stickier situation.

So it is that I am again in a somewhat mis-matched partnership. My partner and I have known each other for a long time, we’ve supported each other as friends and confidants over the years and what was at one time a gentle crush and fantasy has become a rather delightful romance. We have very similar desires in life and similar recreational activities. We are also particularly well matched in sexual desire, and have a very healthy sex life. So, where’s the problem? This is titled “When Partners Want Something Different”, but so far everything is happy little bunnies and sunshine!

I’m kinky, and my partner is not. What’s more, my partner identifies as a bottom in regard to sexuality and kink-terms. I am also a bottom. Some things which have found their way into the realm of the Vanilla world (think biting, raking of fingernails, and whatnot) certainly work their way into our erotic episodes, but that’s where the comfort level lies. Small amounts of service-type activities also feature in our life, though to the outward observer these are simply everyday tasks akin to cooking dinner and doing the laundry.

So I’m a kinky bottom, and my partner is a Vanilla bottom. What does this mean? Well, there are some things which I would enjoy having as part of my life which I’m currently not partaking in. I feel the need here to pause and state for the record that I am not complaining. I am quite content and do not feel like I am being denied something. This is not some passive-agressive way of telling the world that I’m unhappy because my partner does not top me. Ok, disclaimer over. My partner and I have begun discussing this, and we’ve even attended a workshop together (and will likely attend more, as time allows). I’ve been attending workshops on my own, to learn how to better present what I would like to my partner. I am lucky that while my partner is not kinky, there is willingness to explore and learn and see if this is something which sparks.

Certainly I would enjoy being topped by my partner. While kink is not inherently sex-related to me, sex as an aspect or a reward or as aftercare is a nice perk. For now, we talk. We learn. We will talk more. I’m doing a lot of thinking about what I desire, what kink means to me, and what role it plays in my life. It’s an interesting place to be in, really, and I see a lot of good coming out of this by way of personal understanding. Expect more on the subject in the future.

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